A Laugh about the Law

For the past several days I have been studying for the MPRE – the ethics exam every lawyer must pass before being admitted to the Bar (assuming they pass the Bar exam as well, of course). As part of my Barbri Review Course, I am entitled to free video lectures on various Bar and MPRE topics. So, I have spent the majority of my day watching the MPRE lecture. As I’m sure many of you would in my place, I began watching with a great deal of skepticism and anticipation of boredom, however, I soon found myself riveted as the lecturer proved highly entertaining. Here are some highlights from the video:

"What's the worst thing we can do to you? Put you to death."

"The dean has to sign off on all of you. So best thing you can hope for: get through law school without the dean knowing who you are."

"Dear Bar. This lawyer is a dirtbag. Signed, the Lone Ranger of Ethical Justice!"

"It's always the right answer. Rat on your friends, squeal like a pig, turn your friends in."

"If you have someone as your client and then start to sleep with them, you're required to pull out. Wait. That doesn't sound good. Withdraw...no. There's really nothing that will work there."

"Potential Situation: Client - 'Who's that mad dog on the other side?' Lawyer - 'That's my mom, isn't she great?!'"

"Let's say the other party is unrepresented. Or to put it in plain language: they're crazy. 'Cause that's who these people are. They're crazy people."...[Gives a hypo]..."The point is, they're crazy."

"Soon to be an HBO movie. No one plays me. But Helen Mirren plays my friend."

"Prosecutor to a juror on a former case: 'Hi Mrs. Jones. I was the prosecutor in that case you were a juror on where you let that murderer go. I just wanted to say…I hope you're next.' Yeah. You can't do that."

"You got something by mistake? Notify the sender. That’s it. What else can you do? Promise to unread it?"

"In Michigan you need a separate account if the money earns $50 of interest a year. Which would be $47 million. [Long Pause] That was a joke. 'Cause interest rates are so low. But it's probably not far off. Ok. Moving on."

"It's not just money a client can give you for safekeeping, it could be things. A client walks into your office and throws a diamond on your desk and says, 'I'll be back to talk about that later.'"

[Discussing Availability Retainers] "Client comes in and says, 'I think I'm going to be indicted soon and I want you to be available.' You say, 'Ok, Mayor.'"

[Tells a story of a lawyer with a client who changes his will weekly. The final will left all the money to the lawyer - against the rules to draft such a will - but lawyer wasn't worried about it since the client would change it again in a week. Client dies.] "The lawyer came before us crying. Had never done anything wrong, didn't even want the stuff! And did we have a heart? No. We took his license so fast. No. I kid. But he did get in trouble."

"You must be fluent. If all you know of Spanish is ‘hola, amigo,’ no. You gotta be fluent."

"Reminder. Our standard: if an idiot could understand it, it's good enough for us."

"Cannot imply results by improper means. 'I was a clerk for Justice Ginsberg. She owes me one.' 'My mommy sits on the state supreme court.' 'We are a medical malpractice firm; all our lawyers are juris doctors.' That's true, but an idiot might think you're really a doctor. You're misleading an idiot. Don't do that."

"Can you live chat and say: 'Hi. CIRY.' That's: Can I Represent You? See. I know the tech. I'm cool. I use the google."

"'Dear Sally. You complete me.' Not on judicial letterhead. 'Dear Bob. I wish I knew how to quit you.' Not on judicial letterhead. 'Dear Warden. You're getting my son.' Not on judicial letterhead. You might say justices aren't that stupid. I had a case. They can write a letter of recommendation. Which is great ‘cause who’d want to clerk for a judge without that."

"Judges are judges, not Columbo. They can't investigate. Does that reference still work?"

"The judge can't say: 'I just eat lunch. I didn't even notice I was surrounded by a bunch of white guys.'"

"You can't say: 'Thank you, judge, for your services. Here's $50,000 worth of gold just for you.' whenever you appear before him."

Rain & Oregonians

I’ve already told you a little about the relationship between Oregonians and the rain – namely that it makes their already questionable driving even more ridiculous – but the relationship between these two entities is even stranger than that and I can assure you, the strangeness is all on the part of the Oregonians.

1. “Oh, look. It’s raining outside. I’ll put on some flip flops.” I’m sure this quirk of Oregonian behavior has something to do with the fact that Oregonians have so little time in the year in which to wear flip flops, but this logic still doesn’t quite account for wearing flip flops in the rain in my book. No matter what the weather, you can spot at least a few Oregonians walking down the street in flip flops. Sure it might be pouring rain and only 34 degrees, but evidently, that’s no reason to wear warm shoes. I habitually see these people out and about and my feet get cold and sad just seeing theirs. Want to fit in in Oregon? Buy a pair of flip flops and wear them all year long.

2. Welcome to Oregon*. I don’t know about you, but I love umbrellas. Whoever invented the umbrella deserves a medal. They help you stay dry, can be a lovely and attractive accoutrement to any outfit, and they serve as a vehicle for Mary Poppins. Really, everyone should use an umbrella. Oregonians, however, have not yet gotten that memo. In fact, they refuse to use umbrellas at all and take an inordinate amount of pride in that fact. Personally, I don’t understand what is so wonderful about getting soaking wet by walking around in the rain without an umbrella and, often for Oregonians, without a hood, but to be a true Oregonian, when walking in the rain, hold your head up high and prepare to get wet ‘cause umbrellas aren’t welcome here. For myself, I think I’ll retain my California ways and stay dry with my umbrella.

*Umbrellas not allowed.

Morning Class

I’m up way too early,

Awake now at dawn.

The sun’s just come up,

I stifle a yawn.

Make up my bed,

Crawl to the shower,

Then grab my school bag,

Give the morning a glower.

I drive to the school,

“Ready” to go.

Ethics this morning,

I don’t care to know.

Suffer through it I will,

What else can I do?

Prof. calls out my name,

I glance up: “Say who??”

Now it’s all up to me,

What shall I say?

Fumble through it and then

I’m done for the day!*

*Oh wait. I have class later too.

Advice for Driving in Oregon

One of the best pieces of advice that can be given to any driver, be they new drivers or old, is patience. When you get behind the wheel of your vehicle, try to infuse your being with as much patience as possible, because it’s guaranteed to be fully used up by the time you get to where you’re going. Especially if you live in Oregon.

Oregon is filled with ridiculous drivers. Should you ever choose to drive in this state, here is some advice that will serve you well.

1. Think like the tortoise ‘cause you’ll never be the hare. Drivers are slow – if the speed limit is posted at 55 mph (and it is on all major highways and freeways for some reason), then drivers are going 55 mph. Drivers in Oregon have yet to realize two very pertinent pieces of information: (1) Some of us have places to go and people to see and 55 mph just isn’t cutting it, and (2) Cops really aren’t going to pull you over if you’re a mere 4 miles over the speed limit. But, as it seems unlikely Oregon drivers are going to get that memo anytime soon, accept that you are going to be forced to drive at a ridiculously slow speed. Think like the tortoise.

2. During the months of September and October, be prepared for even slower driving. This is the time when summer ends in Oregon and the rains that we *ahem* enjoy *ahem* for 9 months or more once again begin. Now, most non-Oregonians would assume that having had a mere 3 months of clear weather, Oregon drivers would not have forgotten how to drive in the rain. Having dealt with this strange breed for three years now, however, I can tell you that is not the case – they have forgotten and they are scared. That is the only possible explanation for what happens during the first month of the rainy season. As soon as that first drop hits the ground, every driver in Oregon slows down an additional 10-15 mph. Suddenly the roads are full of creeping vehicles. Instead of the usual 40 mph down Boones Ferry Road in Lake Oswego (the main road which I drive and which can easily be driven at 55 mph – not that I have ever driven it that fast), cars are traveling at 30 mph where the road is straight and slowing down to 20 mph around curves. Ridiculous, but true. My advice, be prepared for delays and wait until December, when the rainy season has fully set in and Oregonians have remembered that, yes, they can drive the speed limit even in the rain.

3. If it’s snowing outside, just stay in. Really. You don’t want to even ask. If Oregonians slow down that much in the rain, just imagine how they drive in the snow. It will save your sanity if you just stay inside as soon as the first flake of snow comes down. Trust me.

4. Drive a fun little sports car ‘cause the roads here are a full time obstacle course. The roads in Oregon abound with manhole covers. I’m not sure what it is about this state, but for some reason Oregon roads have millions of manhole covers – easily a dozen on a single city block. I often wonder where these manhole covers could possibly lead. Are there really that many tunnels, pipes, etc. under our roads? Where exactly can they all lead? And why are so many of them set so low in the street that there is a good 5 inch drop from the road height to the manhole cover? These are questions that will never be answered, but that trouble anyone driving in Oregon. The only way to survive without going crazy at the constant bumps and bangs? Treat driving in Oregon like driving on an obstacle course. Dodge and weave around the manholes as best you can and soon you’ll be proficient as an obstacle course driver. There can’t be any better training around.

5. Workers ahead. Be prepared to stop. Oregon is a land of unemployed individuals (including yours truly at the moment). When I first moved here in 2009 Oregon had the second highest unemployment rate in the US and while I’m not sure if that statistic holds true today, I can’t imagine it’s gotten much better in the meantime. When you first drive into Oregon from any of the surrounding states, you’ll begin to notice a sign on all the major roads – “ODOT – Putting Oregon Back to Work.” Unless you’re here during the 3 months of sun we enjoy from June – August you probably won’t have any idea what this means, but if you manage to visit Oregon during it’s summer (sunny) months, you’ll constantly be slowing down, starting and stopping, or just sitting, while road construction halts traffic every 500 feet or so. That’s right. Oregon’s response to unemployment is (1) make it mandatory that gas station attendants pump your gas (a wonderful service since I no longer have to pump gas in the rain) and (2) put Oregonian’s to work doing road construction (this might explain the plethora of manhole covers actually). So when you’re in Oregon remember: Workers ahead. Be prepared to stop.

Sit Down Now

There’s nothing left to say.

You’ve really said it all.

I wish you’d just sit down now,

Before I climb the wall.

You’ve been droning for a while,

Nattering on and on and on.

People are up and leaving,

Your audience is now all gone.

I see the panic in your eyes.

“I must use up my time!”

Don’t think that way, instead just say:

“I’m done and that’s just fine.”

Brainless & Witless

Today I sat all day in class listening to my teacher speak.

Trying to take the info in made my brain quite weak.

Suddenly, it rebelled! Said: “I’m done. That’s it. I quit.”

There was nothing I could do, for my brain contains my wits.

It wandered off away from me. Ran right away, I say!

And now I just don’t know how I’ll make it through my day.  

The Phenomenon of Free Food

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but there is something magical about free food. Somehow, when food is free, it tastes infinitely better than when you have to pay for it. Let me explain…

In school (law school particularly, it would seem) you are inundated with free food. Due to the crazy scheduling of classes throughout the day, the only free time guaranteed to all is the lunch hour from 12 to 1 when no classes occur. So any group meetings or talks on campus are usually scheduled during that time. While there are some people on campus (red hots – those students who are insane about school, going so far as to read random cases during their spare time and read books about the law every night before bed, presumably so they can dream about the law as well) who simply attend these talks and discussions for the heck of it, the vast majority of us need some further draw to convince us to waste our precious free hour on even more law related matters. Some brilliant individual found the perfect lure and now everyone else has picked it up – food. Bring the food and we will come.

On any given day around campus you can find a free lunch in at least two different classrooms for the simple price of sitting and looking interested in what the speaker is saying. Want a Chinese buffet? Attend The Federalist Society monthly meeting. Fancy a little pizza (although you better watch out, since it’s most likely vegan at Lewis & Clark)? Come to the Westlaw presentation. And Subway is always provided at a LexisNexis event. There is a free lunch somewhere; you’ve just got to find it.

But on to the phenomenon of the free food…

I first noticed that free food tastes better when I attended an International Law Society meeting on campus during one lunch period. The offering that day was Baja Fresh, a Mexican food buffet of tacos, burritos, rice, beans, chips and salsa. Having never eaten Baja Fresh, but being a true lover of Mexican food, I decided to attend. And it was magical. Somehow, chips had never been so crisp, beans had never tasted quite so good, and the tacos were scrumptious. I was a convert. Baja Fresh was my new best friend. And to cement our friendship, I ate enough of the buffet for three people. (Picture me returning to the buffet line over and over again to pile even more chips on my plate and to grab “just one more taco.”) Since I couldn’t rely on getting free Baja Fresh every day (probably just once a week since groups switch up what they offer) I found a Baja Fresh near my house and decided to go get some tacos. Well, it was a disaster. The food was horrible! The chips didn’t have enough salt, the tacos were uninspired, and the beans were a bit soupy. “Strange, but,” I consoled myself, “it was probably just this Baja Fresh. I’m sure if I went to a different Baja Fresh, it would be better.” So a few days later, I was off again, this time sure I was going to the Baja location where the law school had ordered the food. This would be the place. It probably was, but the same thing happened again. I hated it. Clearly Baja Fresh was not my friend and the law school event had been the fluke.

Naturally, following this huge disappointment, I avoided Baja Fresh during my free lunch ramblings, but before long I found myself facing another Baja Fresh buffet line at the insistence of a friend that this is where we needed to be for lunch that day. Unenthusiastically, I filled up my plate. I sat down, dreading the first bite…*crunch*. Wait. That chip was amazing. Perfectly salty and crisp. I took a bite of beans. Yum! No soup here, just wonderful black beans. And the taco? Perfection. “What is going on here?” I asked myself, “How can this be?” I went back for seconds. I ate until I was sick and it was magnificent. Something was going on. “Is there something special about eating it at school?” No, that can’t be the case since I actually prefer not eating at school. It must be something else. And then it dawned on me – the difference between this food and going to Baja Fresh was that here, it was free. I didn’t have to pay for it, I didn’t have to worry about not getting enough or getting too much, I didn’t have to worry about paying for more chips! No, at school, it was all free and all mine. That was it! The magic of the food was that it was free.

To test this hypothesis I began to attend other lunches, eating a wide variety of foods to see if they tasted better because they were free. And yes, the hypothesis held true – the greasy Chinese tasted fantastic even though I hate overly greasy Chinese food, the pizza was scrumptious even though vegan pizza is disgusting (this has been proven the world over and holds true for anyone with actual tastebuds), and the Subway was great even though it was a ham sandwich and I hate Subway ham sandwiches. It was clear. The fact that it was free somehow transformed this food (or at least my perception of it) into something delicious. There was magic in the freeness. Free food inherently tastes better than when you pay for it.

What can we learn from this knowledge, you ask? When you have an opportunity to get some free food, snatch it up, because that food will never taste quite so good again.