The Fear of Change

As many of you know, I have recently finished law school. In fact, I took my last exam of my school career last Thursday. Since that time I have been mostly relaxing, trying to enjoy my first taste of freedom since probably the age of 4 when I first started school. And I must say it’s been a tough transition. I’m sure most people would assume that I, or anyone in my situation, would be excited by the prospect of no more early morning classes, no more being called on in class when you’re unprepared, no more homework assignments that consume your weekends and any free time, and no more horrendous final exams, but over the past week and a half I have found that that simply isn’t the case. While I’ve enjoyed having free time to read pleasure books, go to movies on opening night (The Avengers is a must see for all and if you haven’t had the opportunity, go see Salmon Fishing in the Yemen and Jeff, Who Lives at Home too), and generally spend my time in the most lazy and unproductive manner possible, I’ve found it very hard to truly relax and instead have often felt a horrible sense of panic upon waking in the morning and at odd times throughout the day. At first I thought that the anxiety I was feeling was due to my fear of my final grades (I did take 5 finals in two weeks after all, quite the feat that didn’t leave a lot of time to study in between each final), but after a great deal of thought, I’ve realized that fear of grades is only part of the problem. A large portion of my anxiety is due to a fear of change. The ending of law school, which really represents the culmination of a school career spanning two decades, is a huge change for me. After all that time, I am now done with school. Finished. Kaput. It’s the end of an era and soon I will be expected to take the bar, find a job, and join the real world. That’s a scary thought. But really it’s simply a small piece of a bigger fear that we all feel at one time or another – the fear of change.

Change is a scary, scary thing. It represents the end of something that has become familiar, be it good or bad, and the unknown of the future. Who knows what is just around the corner and whether it will be better or worse than what we have now? How many times have you found yourself putting off something new, changing plans so that you don’t have to face the unknown, or simply staying in your comfort zone because it’s safe? I do all the time. Even in the little things in life, I tend to keep myself in a very small box. The staff at my favorite Mexican restaurant in Lake Oswego (Senor Taco – yum) now chants my order aloud with me as I place it when I come in and my friends at my beloved Thai restaurant (Thai Peacock – double yum) (and they really are my friends, we even chat about holiday plans we all have when I come in) take away my menu as soon as I sit down, knowing I don’t need it and only ask whether I want a side of rice that day along with my Pad See Ew tofu, no egg. I am a predictable person and I will be the first to admit: I don’t like change. Change is scary because you never know what is coming around the corner and everything that has given you comfort in the past is gone.

But what I’ve learned, and what I’m trying to embrace now as I get closer and closer to graduation, which is coming this Saturday, is that change can also be wonderful and should be embraced. Sure, you might be letting go of something great, but it might just be an act that makes way for something even better. I’m not saying we need to constantly make changes in our lives and that a little predictability is a bad thing (after all, I’m not going to be changing my order at Thai Peacock any time soon – Pad See Ew really is the best thing on the menu), but when change is staring you in the face or you have an opportunity to do something amazing, even if it is scary, don’t waste your time by worrying and stressing. Rather, try to embrace the change, embrace the fear, and open yourself up to the possibilities. I’ve done that in the past and it has brought me some of the best experiences of my life – I learned that I love hummus (I had always been afraid to eat hummus until recently for fear that everyone lied and it actually did have cream in it), I moved to Portland, Oregon, away from my family for the first time in my life, and I went to SE Asia all on my own and spent three incredible months exploring places I never thought I’d go and meeting people/making friends from all over the world. Some of those changes are small, some big, and some life altering and I wouldn’t forego a single one. And even though I know that at times some of the changes coming my way will seem bad, even then, given time, I truly believe it will lead to something good. After all, each experience we have changes us, shapes us, teaches us something, and, hopefully, makes us better versions of ourselves. So long as we embrace the change coming our way and try to look at it in the best light and with the best attitude possible, change can be our friend.

So, as I step forward into this next chapter, away from the comforting cycle of school, I’m going to try to take my own advice and embrace the change, shedding this pesky fear that dogs my steps. To the future I say: bring on the change.