A Common Sense Guide to Alien Interaction

This is not a post to talk about the philosophical, religious, or physiological possibility of alien races. To be completely honest, I have no idea if aliens are out there, down here, or even in existence. Regardless of the answer to the question of whether or not they exist, I am a fan of the genre of film that involves aliens. Who can watch Men in Black (1, 2 or 3) without pure enjoyment? Who didn’t appreciate the more serious take on the alien question in War of the Worlds? And who didn’t simply love the comical approach to aliens in Galaxy Quest? (If you haven’t seen any of these movies, you are seriously behind and should seek help immediately in the form of your nearest movie rental store.)

No. What this post is really about is the utter and abject stupidity of people who go into space or remain on Earth, meet aliens, and then proceed to violate every rule of common sense that would tell you to act with extreme caution when meeting these extraterrestrials. Now, this point was really driven home to me when I went to see Prometheus last night. I am a huge fan of Alien and (the only sequel worth seeing) Aliens. They are amazing movies. Not just amazing science-fiction/alien movies, but also incredibly game changing for female lead protagonists in general as Sigourney Weaver stole the show and taught the world that women can kick butt all on their own (but that’s another diatribe). Back to the point at hand…when I went to the theater to see Prometheus I was understandably excited. I had been watching trailers for the film for what felt like a year (although I was mostly annoyed with those since they seemed to consist of random clips coupled with an off-putting, chest-aching, booming noise) and it was (impliedly) touted as a prequel to Alien. What I got was more than a little disappointing. Although the critics were right and it was a visually stunning film, that alone could not make up for the confusing story line, utter lack of logic by characters, and, the worst insult of all, the terminal stupidity and lack of common sense displayed by Every. Single. Person. “What was wrong with those people?” I asked myself as I left the theater. After puzzling over that question all night, I have finally arrived at the answer: they lacked a common sense guide to alien interaction. It wasn’t their fault! They simply didn’t know how to behave. Well, I don’t consider myself to be an expert in common sense, but I can only assume I have more than they did (I am, after all still alive and everyone in that film is dead), so I’m taking it upon myself to create a user friendly guide to alien interaction that will help all of you, dear readers, survive any possible future alien interaction that may come your way. Live long and prosper.

Step 1: Proceed with extreme caution

While it would be lovely to think every extraterrestrial out there is friendly and just looking for contact with other intelligent (or not so intelligent depending on your degree of cynicism toward the human race) beings, don’t assume that. Before we get to know these aliens we should approach with extreme caution. After all, our history alone shows that, generally speaking, residents don’t treat outsiders or newbies very well (does anyone remember being the new kid at school on the first day or the motto “kill first, ask questions later”?). Thus, if we’re going there, don’t assume you’re going to get a welcome reception. Likewise, if the aliens are arriving here, out-of-the-blue, on their spaceships, just remember that their suddenly showing up simply means they didn’t have the good manners to call first. Be wary of invasion. It’s entirely likely. [This is how Prometheus got started. A couple of idiots decided some cave paintings meant that alien “engineers” or creators of humans were wonderful, beneficial and loving beings just waiting for us to come visit. Why would you assume that?? Fools.]

Step 2: Be aware of your surroundings

The quickest way to die on an alien planet is to ignore your surroundings. Constantly remind yourself: “Hey. I’m not on Earth anymore. Maybe I should take some precautions and not assume that just because a storm couldn’t pop up that quickly on Earth that it can’t here either.” An “earth-like planet” does not Earth make. Remember it. Be aware at all times that things might work a little differently on this new planet. [In the film, two scientists get locked in an alien dome on an alien planet ‘cause they weren’t aware, got a little lost, and then got trapped by a raging storm outside. Let that be a lesson. The idiots deserved to die.]

Step 3: If you didn’t close that super secret, locked door, then don’t open it

Going hand-in-hand with being aware, you should also realize that if you didn’t lock that door and don’t know why it was locked, then you should leave it alone. Once again, why would you assume that anything good is hiding behind it? Unless the room has a label that says: Super Secret, Yet Totally Awesome and Benign Stuff Inside…Leave. It. Alone. Nothing good comes of opening that door. Don’t any of you watch movies? [In Prometheus, the scientists just had to open a locked door that had clearly decapitated an alien 2,000 years ago (the body was still on the floor partially rotted away yet without a head). Do you really think a decapitating doorway is going to lead to anything good?]

Step 4: Don’t try to touch the cute (or not so cute) little alien creature

This is common sense you should really use when dealing with aliens or more earth-bound creatures. If you don’t know what it is, don’t know if it’s friendly, or don’t know if it’s a carnivore/omnivore, then don’t touch it! There is no reason to stick your hand out to a strange alien creature and say, “Here, kitty-kitty.” More likely than not, you’ll soon be missing a hand. My advice? Keep a reasonable distance between you and the alien animal (or plant) life-form and, if you can, wear impenetrable body armor. [A supposed “biologist” in Prometheus somehow thought it was a great idea to hold out his hand to the odd snake/worm creature that opened up a hood similar to a cobra and started hissing at him. What did he think would happen and what University possibly gave him a degree in biology?? I only took one biology course in college, but even I know that was foolish.]

Step 4: When your shipmates start acting weird after exposure to an alien planet, take precautions and protect yourself

All for one and one for all was a great motto for the three Musketeers (side note: why were they the “Three Musketeers” if there were four of them?), but when you’re dealing with aliens and an alien planet, your motto should be a little more self serving. My personal favorite – I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you. Sure, you’re not going to receive any awards for hero of the year and, yes, your shipmates who weren’t infected whom you left outside to die may hate you forever, but at least you’ll be alive to feel their condemnation. The alternative? A slow and agonizing death as either (a) aliens eat you alive, (b) you become infected with an alien virus and your skin bubbles and then falls off, or (c) an alien creature attaches itself to your face and “impregnates” you with its vile offspring. I think I’ll take the coward’s way out on that one. [Silly, silly Prometheus crew. If I were Charlize Theron, I would have lit that infected scientist on fire to keep him off my ship too.]

Step 5: Don’t continually insult the very nice, yet very creepy, humanoid robot about his lack of emotions and lack of humanity

While some human traits are lovely and make the world a better place – kindness, love, respect, consideration – other human traits are not quite as nice – anger, fear, hate, the seemingly unending need to destroy and snuff out everything we don’t agree with. Do you really want to take a chance that the humanoid robot hasn’t somehow developed human emotions in the meantime? Is it really worth it to taunt the robot that is, in all likelihood, stronger, smarter, more devious, and able/willing to kill you? I think not. Instead, it might be a good idea to be nice to the potentially psychotic robot and fix your own food and drink. And just to be safe, try to figure out where the robot’s off switch is located (we all remember what happened with Hal and the iRobot ‘bots, after all). [Before that horrible scientist was lit on fire by Ms. Theron, he spent a good portion of the movie insulting the robot on board the ship, David. I don’t think it came as any surprise that David chose that scientist to experiment infecting with the alien black goo found on the planet. Really, the guy was asking for it and while I don’t condone robots killing humans, I did give a little cheer inside that David took the initiative. And didn’t it show that maybe he had developed some human emotion after all since he chose to administer the goo in the guy’s drink after being insulted just one time too many?]

Step 6: Once you’ve realized the aliens here or there aren’t going to be your friends and probably want to kill you, leave before you make things worse

Nothing good can come of sticking around where you’re not wanted or where something bigger, stronger, and smarter is trying to kill you. Cut your losses and move on. After all, staying and making the aliens even more angry or waking the aliens up out of a stasis pod is just a really bad idea. They’ve already shown you can’t be friends. Don’t make things worse by making yourself seem needy, ‘cause their most likely reaction is to just kill the annoying little human gnat that won’t stop buzzing around their planet. If the aliens are here, things get a little more complicated. In that case, a full out war may be necessary or if you were really smart you would either (a) hide out in the rural country-side where aliens probably don’t want to go, (b) steal one of their ships and get the heck out of there, or (c) pray to whatever deity you believe in (just not the aliens, please, ‘cause at that point I don’t think praying to them would do any good) and hope for the best. [Somehow, after over 8 people were killed, it was clear the aliens were not of the friendly variety, plans had been uncovered to suggest the aliens wanted to go to Earth to destroy all of human-kind, and the main scientist Shaw had just had to undergo a truly horrific abortion procedure of a strange alien octopus baby in a weird surgery pod-thing (yes, that is the best description I can give), she thought it would be a good follow up idea to go down to the planet’s surface with the robot and a couple of others to wake up one of the alien creatures for a nice chat. Did she really think that was going to go well? Did she really think they were going to have a deep and meaningful conversation? And why did she still think they created humans for some benevolent reason? Her stupidity made me want to weep.]

Step 7: Pack enough supplies for the trip there and back and then pack a few extras

Nothing sucks worse than being trapped on an inhospitable alien planet without enough supplies. Prepare for every emergency and then pack a little extra. When visiting aliens and alien planets you really can’t afford to be skimpy. Don’t worry if it adds a little extra weight to your ship. Going a bit slower on the way there and the way back is preferable to slowly starving to death in the vast, cold reaches of space because you decided that one more crate of cup-o-noodle soups was just too much for the ship to hold. There is always room for more food and if not, just leave out a couple of those extra guys who seem to have no real function on the ship except as fodder for the slaughter. [In the end of Prometheus, Shaw, the last survivor, does the completely unthinkable and takes an alien ship and heads, not for home, but for the alien’s home planet ‘cause she just can’t wait to meet more of those aliens (somehow she seems to think that asking them why they want to obliterate us is vital to her understanding of the universe and her humanity; and, yes, she actually said that). And so she took off with absolutely no provisions whatsoever. I give her maybe three days before she dies. Should have taken extra supplies.]

Step 8: Don’t leave your weapons at home

I know we’re all hoping for peace with those aliens we’re going to see or who have come to see us, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry. So keep your gun in your holster and ignore those idiot scientists who say that this is just an exploratory mission and weapons aren’t necessary. Weapons are always necessary. You wouldn’t go into the rain forest without something for self-defense and you wouldn’t go to an alien environment without a weapon either. So keep your weapons close and laugh when the scientists all die while holding nothing but their scanners. If they’re not going to take even basic precautions, they deserve it. You don’t have to shoot the aliens, but if you need to for protection, don’t you at least want the option? [Everyone but one woman and the robot died in Prometheus. I think you can guess how many of them followed this simple rule. Here’s a hint: none.]

Step 9: Write out your will before you go

If there’s one thing alien movies have taught us: you’re probably going to die. You are an inexperienced human going up against alien races that always either seem to be more technologically advanced or just have bigger teeth. Your odds of survival are slim. We shouldn’t sugar coat it. So write out your will and prepare for the worst. It’s really the only sensible thing to do. [The Prometheus crew thought it was going to meet some awesome, super-cool aliens. I’m pretty sure none of them wrote out wills. Fools.]

Well, that’s all to the guide for now. This will at least give you a good chance for surviving your alien interaction. The best tip I can give you, and one people always seem to forget: use your common sense. Humans have got an abundance, but somehow, when faced with aliens, seem to lose it all and start doing everything wrong. Don’t be like them! You are better than that and you can survive. Good luck.