"What's the worst thing we can do to you? Put you to death."
"The dean has to sign off on all of you. So best thing you can hope for: get through law school without the dean knowing who you are."
"Dear Bar. This lawyer is a dirtbag. Signed, the Lone Ranger of Ethical Justice!"
"It's always the right answer. Rat on your friends, squeal like a pig, turn your friends in."
"If you have someone as your client and then start to sleep with them, you're required to pull out. Wait. That doesn't sound good. Withdraw...no. There's really nothing that will work there."
"Potential Situation: Client - 'Who's that mad dog on the other side?' Lawyer - 'That's my mom, isn't she great?!'"
"Let's say the other party is unrepresented. Or to put it in plain language: they're crazy. 'Cause that's who these people are. They're crazy people."...[Gives a hypo]..."The point is, they're crazy."
"Soon to be an HBO movie. No one plays me. But Helen Mirren plays my friend."
"Prosecutor to a juror on a former case: 'Hi Mrs. Jones. I was the prosecutor in that case you were a juror on where you let that murderer go. I just wanted to say…I hope you're next.' Yeah. You can't do that."
"You got something by mistake? Notify the sender. That’s it. What else can you do? Promise to unread it?"
"In Michigan you need a separate account if the money earns $50 of interest a year. Which would be $47 million. [Long Pause] That was a joke. 'Cause interest rates are so low. But it's probably not far off. Ok. Moving on."
"It's not just money a client can give you for safekeeping, it could be things. A client walks into your office and throws a diamond on your desk and says, 'I'll be back to talk about that later.'"
[Discussing Availability Retainers] "Client comes in and says, 'I think I'm going to be indicted soon and I want you to be available.' You say, 'Ok, Mayor.'"
[Tells a story of a lawyer with a client who changes his will weekly. The final will left all the money to the lawyer - against the rules to draft such a will - but lawyer wasn't worried about it since the client would change it again in a week. Client dies.] "The lawyer came before us crying. Had never done anything wrong, didn't even want the stuff! And did we have a heart? No. We took his license so fast. No. I kid. But he did get in trouble."
"You must be fluent. If all you know of Spanish is ‘hola, amigo,’ no. You gotta be fluent."
"Reminder. Our standard: if an idiot could understand it, it's good enough for us."
"Cannot imply results by improper means. 'I was a clerk for Justice Ginsberg. She owes me one.' 'My mommy sits on the state supreme court.' 'We are a medical malpractice firm; all our lawyers are juris doctors.' That's true, but an idiot might think you're really a doctor. You're misleading an idiot. Don't do that."
"Can you live chat and say: 'Hi. CIRY.' That's: Can I Represent You? See. I know the tech. I'm cool. I use the google."
"'Dear Sally. You complete me.' Not on judicial letterhead. 'Dear Bob. I wish I knew how to quit you.' Not on judicial letterhead. 'Dear Warden. You're getting my son.' Not on judicial letterhead. You might say justices aren't that stupid. I had a case. They can write a letter of recommendation. Which is great ‘cause who’d want to clerk for a judge without that."
"Judges are judges, not Columbo. They can't investigate. Does that reference still work?"
"The judge can't say: 'I just eat lunch. I didn't even notice I was surrounded by a bunch of white guys.'"
"You can't say: 'Thank you, judge, for your services. Here's $50,000 worth of gold just for you.' whenever you appear before him."
Very funny and cute. I for one am enjoying the blog.
ReplyDeleteNice.. How could you not enjoy that. So were you writing down?? or did you rewind and then write down? I am sure you can guess my favorite...
ReplyDeleteI wrote most of them down immediately (which could explain why I didn't take in as much of the lecture as I should have), but sometimes I had to rewind to write them down too. ;)
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