Advice for Driving in Oregon

One of the best pieces of advice that can be given to any driver, be they new drivers or old, is patience. When you get behind the wheel of your vehicle, try to infuse your being with as much patience as possible, because it’s guaranteed to be fully used up by the time you get to where you’re going. Especially if you live in Oregon.

Oregon is filled with ridiculous drivers. Should you ever choose to drive in this state, here is some advice that will serve you well.

1. Think like the tortoise ‘cause you’ll never be the hare. Drivers are slow – if the speed limit is posted at 55 mph (and it is on all major highways and freeways for some reason), then drivers are going 55 mph. Drivers in Oregon have yet to realize two very pertinent pieces of information: (1) Some of us have places to go and people to see and 55 mph just isn’t cutting it, and (2) Cops really aren’t going to pull you over if you’re a mere 4 miles over the speed limit. But, as it seems unlikely Oregon drivers are going to get that memo anytime soon, accept that you are going to be forced to drive at a ridiculously slow speed. Think like the tortoise.

2. During the months of September and October, be prepared for even slower driving. This is the time when summer ends in Oregon and the rains that we *ahem* enjoy *ahem* for 9 months or more once again begin. Now, most non-Oregonians would assume that having had a mere 3 months of clear weather, Oregon drivers would not have forgotten how to drive in the rain. Having dealt with this strange breed for three years now, however, I can tell you that is not the case – they have forgotten and they are scared. That is the only possible explanation for what happens during the first month of the rainy season. As soon as that first drop hits the ground, every driver in Oregon slows down an additional 10-15 mph. Suddenly the roads are full of creeping vehicles. Instead of the usual 40 mph down Boones Ferry Road in Lake Oswego (the main road which I drive and which can easily be driven at 55 mph – not that I have ever driven it that fast), cars are traveling at 30 mph where the road is straight and slowing down to 20 mph around curves. Ridiculous, but true. My advice, be prepared for delays and wait until December, when the rainy season has fully set in and Oregonians have remembered that, yes, they can drive the speed limit even in the rain.

3. If it’s snowing outside, just stay in. Really. You don’t want to even ask. If Oregonians slow down that much in the rain, just imagine how they drive in the snow. It will save your sanity if you just stay inside as soon as the first flake of snow comes down. Trust me.

4. Drive a fun little sports car ‘cause the roads here are a full time obstacle course. The roads in Oregon abound with manhole covers. I’m not sure what it is about this state, but for some reason Oregon roads have millions of manhole covers – easily a dozen on a single city block. I often wonder where these manhole covers could possibly lead. Are there really that many tunnels, pipes, etc. under our roads? Where exactly can they all lead? And why are so many of them set so low in the street that there is a good 5 inch drop from the road height to the manhole cover? These are questions that will never be answered, but that trouble anyone driving in Oregon. The only way to survive without going crazy at the constant bumps and bangs? Treat driving in Oregon like driving on an obstacle course. Dodge and weave around the manholes as best you can and soon you’ll be proficient as an obstacle course driver. There can’t be any better training around.

5. Workers ahead. Be prepared to stop. Oregon is a land of unemployed individuals (including yours truly at the moment). When I first moved here in 2009 Oregon had the second highest unemployment rate in the US and while I’m not sure if that statistic holds true today, I can’t imagine it’s gotten much better in the meantime. When you first drive into Oregon from any of the surrounding states, you’ll begin to notice a sign on all the major roads – “ODOT – Putting Oregon Back to Work.” Unless you’re here during the 3 months of sun we enjoy from June – August you probably won’t have any idea what this means, but if you manage to visit Oregon during it’s summer (sunny) months, you’ll constantly be slowing down, starting and stopping, or just sitting, while road construction halts traffic every 500 feet or so. That’s right. Oregon’s response to unemployment is (1) make it mandatory that gas station attendants pump your gas (a wonderful service since I no longer have to pump gas in the rain) and (2) put Oregonian’s to work doing road construction (this might explain the plethora of manhole covers actually). So when you’re in Oregon remember: Workers ahead. Be prepared to stop.

Sit Down Now

There’s nothing left to say.

You’ve really said it all.

I wish you’d just sit down now,

Before I climb the wall.

You’ve been droning for a while,

Nattering on and on and on.

People are up and leaving,

Your audience is now all gone.

I see the panic in your eyes.

“I must use up my time!”

Don’t think that way, instead just say:

“I’m done and that’s just fine.”

Brainless & Witless

Today I sat all day in class listening to my teacher speak.

Trying to take the info in made my brain quite weak.

Suddenly, it rebelled! Said: “I’m done. That’s it. I quit.”

There was nothing I could do, for my brain contains my wits.

It wandered off away from me. Ran right away, I say!

And now I just don’t know how I’ll make it through my day.  

The Phenomenon of Free Food

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but there is something magical about free food. Somehow, when food is free, it tastes infinitely better than when you have to pay for it. Let me explain…

In school (law school particularly, it would seem) you are inundated with free food. Due to the crazy scheduling of classes throughout the day, the only free time guaranteed to all is the lunch hour from 12 to 1 when no classes occur. So any group meetings or talks on campus are usually scheduled during that time. While there are some people on campus (red hots – those students who are insane about school, going so far as to read random cases during their spare time and read books about the law every night before bed, presumably so they can dream about the law as well) who simply attend these talks and discussions for the heck of it, the vast majority of us need some further draw to convince us to waste our precious free hour on even more law related matters. Some brilliant individual found the perfect lure and now everyone else has picked it up – food. Bring the food and we will come.

On any given day around campus you can find a free lunch in at least two different classrooms for the simple price of sitting and looking interested in what the speaker is saying. Want a Chinese buffet? Attend The Federalist Society monthly meeting. Fancy a little pizza (although you better watch out, since it’s most likely vegan at Lewis & Clark)? Come to the Westlaw presentation. And Subway is always provided at a LexisNexis event. There is a free lunch somewhere; you’ve just got to find it.

But on to the phenomenon of the free food…

I first noticed that free food tastes better when I attended an International Law Society meeting on campus during one lunch period. The offering that day was Baja Fresh, a Mexican food buffet of tacos, burritos, rice, beans, chips and salsa. Having never eaten Baja Fresh, but being a true lover of Mexican food, I decided to attend. And it was magical. Somehow, chips had never been so crisp, beans had never tasted quite so good, and the tacos were scrumptious. I was a convert. Baja Fresh was my new best friend. And to cement our friendship, I ate enough of the buffet for three people. (Picture me returning to the buffet line over and over again to pile even more chips on my plate and to grab “just one more taco.”) Since I couldn’t rely on getting free Baja Fresh every day (probably just once a week since groups switch up what they offer) I found a Baja Fresh near my house and decided to go get some tacos. Well, it was a disaster. The food was horrible! The chips didn’t have enough salt, the tacos were uninspired, and the beans were a bit soupy. “Strange, but,” I consoled myself, “it was probably just this Baja Fresh. I’m sure if I went to a different Baja Fresh, it would be better.” So a few days later, I was off again, this time sure I was going to the Baja location where the law school had ordered the food. This would be the place. It probably was, but the same thing happened again. I hated it. Clearly Baja Fresh was not my friend and the law school event had been the fluke.

Naturally, following this huge disappointment, I avoided Baja Fresh during my free lunch ramblings, but before long I found myself facing another Baja Fresh buffet line at the insistence of a friend that this is where we needed to be for lunch that day. Unenthusiastically, I filled up my plate. I sat down, dreading the first bite…*crunch*. Wait. That chip was amazing. Perfectly salty and crisp. I took a bite of beans. Yum! No soup here, just wonderful black beans. And the taco? Perfection. “What is going on here?” I asked myself, “How can this be?” I went back for seconds. I ate until I was sick and it was magnificent. Something was going on. “Is there something special about eating it at school?” No, that can’t be the case since I actually prefer not eating at school. It must be something else. And then it dawned on me – the difference between this food and going to Baja Fresh was that here, it was free. I didn’t have to pay for it, I didn’t have to worry about not getting enough or getting too much, I didn’t have to worry about paying for more chips! No, at school, it was all free and all mine. That was it! The magic of the food was that it was free.

To test this hypothesis I began to attend other lunches, eating a wide variety of foods to see if they tasted better because they were free. And yes, the hypothesis held true – the greasy Chinese tasted fantastic even though I hate overly greasy Chinese food, the pizza was scrumptious even though vegan pizza is disgusting (this has been proven the world over and holds true for anyone with actual tastebuds), and the Subway was great even though it was a ham sandwich and I hate Subway ham sandwiches. It was clear. The fact that it was free somehow transformed this food (or at least my perception of it) into something delicious. There was magic in the freeness. Free food inherently tastes better than when you pay for it.

What can we learn from this knowledge, you ask? When you have an opportunity to get some free food, snatch it up, because that food will never taste quite so good again.

The Mustache

There it is.

It’s on your face.

Can’t you see it?

It’s out of place!

You’re so very young,

Yet appear so old.

Are you sure you like it?

It looks like mold.

You give some reasons

Why it’s great:

It saves my lip from

A cold, cold fate.

It looks distinguished,

It looks so cool!

To that I say:

More like a fool.

So shave it off!

Mow it down,

‘Cause your mustache,

Looks like a clowns.

I wrote this during class when I noticed the young kid next to me sporting a ridiculous looking mustache. Why do 25 year olds feel the need to have a mustache? We need to nip that trend in the bud.

Google Makes Me Sad

The homepage on my laptop is currently set to google.com. When setting up my homepage it seemed like the most logical choice. After all, very often I log on to the internet to search for something. I thought to myself, “Hey, this will cut down on time wasted hitting the button for google on my taskbar. 12 seconds saved every time. Excellent.” After nearly 2 years with this as my homepage I can safely say: I’ve made a huge mistake. Why, you ask? It’s very simple: google makes me sad.

Google is undeniably an ingenious tool. Able to use your search terminology to link you to millions of websites, sorted by assumed relevancy, google puts the entire realm of the internet neatly at your fingertips. Want to know how much the average elephant weighs? Google has the answer! Wondering where you should vacation at this time of year? Here are some suggestions and even some handy links to hotels, car rental companies, and a list of things to do there. Want to post your intimate or not so intimate thoughts online for everyone to read? Google has the blog site for you!

Google’s tagline may as well be: you’re only limited by your own imagination. Well, thanks, google. You’ve opened my eyes to the fact that I have no imagination. Thanks a lot.

To fully understand the problem, I must describe my average google interaction…

Google.com sits on my computer screen. I stare.

I’ve gone through my normal internet interactions – checked email, scanned the usual sites – and am now at a loss. I should search for something.

I sit. I stare.

Now, let’s not kid ourselves here. Google is staring back. Ever wonder why it is called google? I’m sure there is some nifty explanation google creators can offer you (hmm…there may be something to google there), but I know the truth. The double “o”s are eyes, looking out at me, daring me to enter something clever, something to stump the beast.

We sit. We stare.

Suddenly, I hear google in my mind: “Nothing to search for yet? You’re only limited by your own imagination. I can find anything. I can take you anywhere. There are no limits to my ingenuity. Can you say the same? Search for something. Go on. It can’t be that hard to think of a search topic.”

I gape at the screen.

It’s true! I am the weak link in this relationship. What can I search for? What do I want to know? It shouldn’t be something too stupid – the beast will mock me. It can’t be something too broad – google will simply flood me with information and sites to show me my errors in search methodology. What can I do??

Google smirks.

I can’t think of anything to search for. I can’t think of anything to enter. Finally, I just start typing. I pick a word, any word: marzipan.

Google starts typing with me. It’s thinking faster than I am! It’s providing ideas. The beast knows it has me beat, that I don’t really know what I’m searching for or what I’m doing and it is now showing me up by providing possible expansions to my sham search. I cannot win. Google has more imagination than I do. I quickly delete everything. I can’t let it win.

Google stares. My heart races, my fingers hover over the keyboard, my mind races for a search topic – any topic.

Nothing. Still nothing.

My hand leaves the keyboard and moves to the mouse. I have only one move left. I close my web browser.

I breathe a sigh of relief. The battle is over. I'll call it a draw (I did, after all, close the program - shutting down the beast for at least a time, that has to count as a draw), but I'm sadder now than I was before. Google has reminded me again that I have less imagination than I had thought.

And there you have it. Each day I open my computer and face this unending battle with the great google beast. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose, and the war rages on. There in a nutshell, is why google makes me sad.