Balance

A wish in the Winter for sunshine to come
An end to the endless cloudy days and the unceasing rain, a steady drum, drum, drum.
The beat of necessary water coming down.
A call for more than just a single beam of light midday
That pierces the clouds for just a moment - a single perfect moment - yet all too soon fades away.
Leaving us once more in enclosing darkness with that one sound
                        Drip, drip, drip.
Stay steady through the dark days of chill and frost
Warm hands and feet by the fire and close your eyes to imagine the touch of flames is Summer's touch lost.
Lost to the weight of laden charcoal skies.
For soon wish fulfillment, Summer comes, bypassing Spring
No time for the gentle return of sun, heat and azure skies, the awakening of flora and fauna an abrupt thing.
And with the advent of these halcyon days our hearts cry
                       Summer, Summer, Summer.
The feelings of joy and hope surge as Summer takes further hold
Days spent glorying in the beauty of the world, the warmth chasing out the bone deep grip of Winter's cold.
But all too soon verdant hillsides fade away.
We look to the skies, skies we cursed for their unending clouds
Have you bowed to our furious cries? The unwise demands we only now see nary a soul should have said aloud?
Worry looms and we look to the horizon, hoping it will say
                        Rain, rain, rain.
It is only in the loss, the flip of the coin, that we realize the folly of what was said
Now the cry rises against this Summer plague, the scorching heat and tormentingly vast, empty skies overhead.
The Earth grows parched as Summer's fist tightens.
Wait, wait, wait, for soon that steady drum will return, a furious beat sorely missed
The world turns again and Summer fades away. We turn our faces to the sky for that first gentle drop, a sweet kiss.
Winter returns. Beloved Winter. Our minds now enlightened
                        Balance.

A Strange Fascination

Sometimes my reminder emails to my fellow clerks about our weekly lunches can get a little, well, interesting. Here's a recent example:

Today is the day. It's also a day. That day being Thursday, July 16, 2015. At least, that's the day I'm told it is. I suppose we could try to use a different calendaring system and call it something else altogether. But for purposes of clarity, we'll go with what the majority of the world calls it. That sounds right.

So, to start at the beginning...today is the day. The day for Thursday Clerk Lunch. Of course, if we did call today something other than Thursday, July 16, 2015 would we still hold this lunch? I mean it is called "Thursday Clerk Lunch," so if it's not "Thursday" maybe it can't happen at all. Huh. Something to consider. But we've decided to keep calling today Thursday, so once again that isn't something that will affect us today.

To the beginning again...today is the day for Thursday Clerk Lunch. Held at the usual place at the usual time. Don't know what those are? Think back to last Thursday. Or was it last Thursday? Was it called something else? And if it was called something else, did we even have lunch that day??? Oh wow. Now I'm totally confused. So confused I might not even know where lunch is being held or when it's being held or if it's being held at all. So, basically, I've turned into all of you guys. Is there anyone out there who can tell me what the heck is going on??? Maybe we need some kind of reminder system so that I don't get all discombobulated like this. That seems like a good idea.

And this will be our last foray back to the beginning...today is the day for something. We don't know what it is, we don't know where it's happening, we don't know when it's happening and, at this point, we're not even 100% sure it is happening because it's possible that none of us exist. Good luck.

For those of you who are now feeling completely adrift and want to try to put your lives back together, here is a little something for you to think on...

What do you do when you're bored? I'm not talking about those times when you're bored and you just sit around staring at the ground or spinning in circles in your desk chair. I'm talking about those times when you're bored, but your brain wants to be doing something and you just want to scream your frustration out. What do you do then? Do you try to turn off your brain? Do you work on a crossword puzzle? Do you actually *shudder* work? I think at this point in our lives we have probably all come up with ways to combat this disastrous occurrence and I will now offer mine as an option for all of you. When extremely bored, but intellectually stimulated I research serial killers. Is this strange? I don't know why, but during slow times at school or during slow times at work I tend to find myself online and reading about different serial killers in US history. These stories just fascinate me. And whenever one of the major news outlets features a retrospective on the worst killers of the '60s or worst serial killers of all times, I just have to read it.

I've been told a time or two that this is a very strange obsession. And I haven't ever been able to pinpoint why I am so fascinated, but there's no denying that I am. It just never ceases to amaze me that people can be so evil, that something in their minds can be so broken that they perpetrate these horrendous crimes on their fellow men ("men" being a term for mankind, not simply the male of the species, since a lot of serial killer victims seem to be women). And the question of why is so rarely answered. And while in some cases there were seemingly no clues that would have led anyone to suspect what was going to happen (looking at you, Ted Bundy, the guy everyone described as so normal), there were others who were brazen in their status.

And that leads me to my most recent interesting killer - Jim Jones of Jonestown fame. The man who created a cult ("religion") and then convinced over 900 people (which includes hundreds of children) to commit mass suicide. How on earth did he gain so many followers? I can understand how people might have followed him in the beginning. He did get his start in the faith healing sects of Christianity (and I've always felt that those people seemed more susceptible to religious fervor, which can quickly get out of hand and seems to lead you down some very strange paths), but reading about him makes it clear that he went off the rails in his "teachings" very quickly. But not only did he gain a  huge following, he managed to convince all those people to kill themselves by drinking cyanide laced kool aid. What a terrible way to go! I mean, no method of suicide sounds particularly appealing to me (thank goodness), but if I did have to go, I would not want to go by cyanide (if Agatha Christie has taught me anything, it's that cyanide poisoning is not a pleasant way to die). And did you know that this is where the phrase "don't drink the kool aid" came from? That blew my mind. I had absolutely no ideas as to it's origin. (A recent poll shows that I was alone in my ignorance and everyone knew where that phrase came from. In my defense, I had always just assumed that it was proof that my detestation of kool aid was spot on.) But back to the question of why, the question that keeps me reading about these terrible crimes. Why did Jones do this? Well, there is ample evidence to show that this guy was more than a little off his rocker. But in this particular case the bigger question for me is why did all those people follow him? Why did they go along with his crazy plans? How could parents willingly murder their children, some of them babies? It just boggles the mind. And did any of them really believe that they would all be reborn in a paradise on a distant planet? It's hard to believe that so many people went along with that man to the point of actual death.

My fascination with these  and similar atrocities has also extended into my reading (books, not just internet articles) for years. I've often heard the refrain from friends and family, "But don't you get tired of reading about the Nazis." The answer to that is, of course, yes. I don't particularly enjoy reading about the Holocaust and similar instances of genocide, but I also think that it's important to read about them. To bear witness for the people who died and those who survived. To remind yourself that you always need to think critically about what is going on in society and around you. Because if history has taught us anything, it's that it is very easy for humans to get swept up in a mass fervor, be it religious, patriotic, or idealistic (with some very horrible ideals, to be sure). We all need to be able to think for ourselves and critically examine where we are being led as both an individual and as a society and whether that is a road we want to travel down. For all that we are a modern society and the world fully ensconced in the 21st century (as if that is some beacon of enlightenment), these atrocities still happen today. And it's up to us to educate ourselves about the past so that we can hopefully learn from those mistakes and ensure they do not happen in the future.

Of course, that very legitimate reason for reading about history still doesn't explain my fascination with serial killers. Hmmm...maybe we'll just say I'm a bit morbid and leave it there. It's probably best not to delve too deeply into the psyche of someone obsessed with serial killers. ;)

For those of you who are looking for some interesting books on horrors around the world, take a look below...

World War II-

1. "In the Garden of Beasts" by Erik Larson - An incredible book about the American ambassador and his family in Berlin during Hitler's rise to power. If you want a history that touches how the German population allowed itself to be slowly led into committing the atrocities of the Holocaust, this is the book for you. A truly fascinating read that almost feels like fiction.

2. "The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves, and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History" by Robert M. Edsel - Sometimes you need an uplifting story and this tale about artists, art restorers, and museum curators coming together to protect and rescue Europe's stolen art is a fantastic read.

3. "Free to Die for Their Country: The Story of the Japanese American Draft Resisters in World War II" by Eric Muller - WWII wasn't all about the Nazis. The US did some pretty horrible things as well. After detaining Japanese Americans at camps around the US for years we then drafted some of those young men into our military. These are stories of some of the young men who resisted that draft.

4. "Farewell to Manzanar: A True Story of Japanese American Experience During and After the World War II Internment" by Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston - A first hand account of a young girl growing up in the US Japanese Internment camps.

5. "No-No Boy" by John Okada - Another fascinating book about a Japanese American boy in the US internment camps.

6. "Daniel's Story" by Carol Matas - This was one of my first introductions to the Holocaust in 7th grade. A great book that introduces young kids to the subject.

7. "Night" by Elie Wiesel - I hope that many of you have read this book. The firsthand account of a survivor of the concentration camps. A short book, but one that will stay with you for a very long time.

8. "Road to Valour: Gino Bartali: Tour de France Legend and Italy's Secret World War Two Hero" by Aili McConnon - Enough of a sports book that it will satisfy the masses, but the truly amazing story here is how this cycling legend acted as courier for false documents to help get Jews out of Italy during WWII.

Child Soldiers-

1. "A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" by Ishmael Beah - Beautifully written and an astounding first hand account of the life of a young boy in Sierra Leone who was forced to become a child soldier. (Makes for a great book club read. Can you guess whose choice it was for my book club?)

Cambodia's Khmer Rouge-

1. "First They Killed My Father" by Loung Ung - A book that is sure to break your heart. Pol Pot led the Khmer Rouge in a genocide against the people of Cambodia. This is the story Loung Ung and her family's evacuation from Phnom Penh and subsequent move from town to town as slowly she loses members of her family.

The World-

1. "Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide" by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn - There are many sad tales about oppressed women in this book, to be sure. But the ultimate message is uplifting. The book focuses on how we can help women around the world break free of oppression and better their lives, sometimes through something as simple as easy access to fresh water for their families so young girls don't have to leave school.

Anticipation

I have a serious question. What is the best policy when it comes to anticipation? If you are anticipating a big trip, a potential job offer, a visit from friends or family, or some other event in your life, what is the best policy? Should you try to tone down your anticipation so that you won't be disappointed if the event doesn't live up to your expectations or should you just let yourself go and be excited beyond belief? And is it even possible to choose? Is the idea of this choice to tamp down our anticipation really just a fallacy we create in our minds? I'm really not sure.

In recent months I was rejected from a job I really wanted. I knew it was a competitive position and that hundreds of people had applied. But I also knew (wrongly, I suppose) that I was perfect for the job. So, when I received an opportunity to interview I was extremely excited, but I also kind of expected it. (I know that sounds a little cocky, but my resume seriously fit the job description and I had a couple friends on the inside talking me up.) Now, I tried to temper my excitement and expectations and thought I did a pretty good job of it. In fact, I even told myself that I had no expectations of really getting the job. But then came the dreaded rejection letter and I was flummoxed and somewhat heartbroken. No matter how much I had told myself I tamped down my anticipation, I was still taken by surprise. I couldn't tone down my anticipation and I felt the effect of underwhelmed expectations that we've all felt from time to time.

But maybe that was just a one time situation. Are there situations in which you can actually tone down your anticipation of an event such that you won't feel that epic disappointment if things don't go your way or live up to your expectations? Prior to this job rejection fiasco I would have answered immediately in the affirmative. I have always lived my life tamping down on the negative. When I feel seriously stressed, out of sorts, out of control, unhappy, or any other negative emotions my first instinct is to always tamp them down. Just shove those feelings into a little ball in the bottom of my stomach and hope that eventually they will all go away and I just won't have to deal with them while I put on a happy (or at least fairly neutral) face to the world. (This, of course, is not to say that I am not occasionally grumpy or irritated. I think we all know I get into those moods from time to time, particularly, according to my family, when I'm hungry.) And since anticipation can so easily lead to disappointment, I've tried to tamp down on my anticipation as much as possible as well. Even when it's something that I just know will be wonderful, I try to bring myself down to earth just in case. I've always thought I was successful, but now, after my recent experience, I've been wondering about whether I've been successful at it at all a great deal.

And I suppose this all ultimately leads to the question of whether people even should temper their anticipation (assuming it's possible). There is, of course, the classic argument that if you don't have high expectations, then you won't ever really be disappointed. But I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing. Yes, if your expectations are dashed it can bring you to the lowest of lows, but if your expectations are met and all that anticipation was for a good reason, then you will reach the highest of highs. Nothing feels quite as sweet as that moment when everything you anticipated comes to fruition. Like those events where you have a perfect moment on a trip you've been waiting for for so long - that moment of peace and fulfillment when you reach the top of the trail after a long hike and the view is just as beautiful and soul changing as you could have ever hoped - or when a visit with your family goes just as you wanted full of laughter, love, and joy. Would those feelings be as good if you had spent all the time leading up to them tamping down your anticipation of the event, essentially expecting the worst (or at least something a little bad)? Isn't it better to maybe just let yourself go, expecting the best out of life and out of everything that's coming? Sure, you'll be disappointed from time to time and that will never feel good, but when those perfect moments occur, they are just all the sweeter.

I don't know that there's any one answer or if one option is a healthier outlook for life than the other. I guess, for myself, I would like to move in a direction of positivity. Anticipating all the good things that will come my way in life and that everything will turn out just the way I imagined. And considering the other method didn't work so well for me, it seems like a solid plan going forward. Of course, this all leads to the issue of negative expectations and whether you should hope for the best in those situations, but that's a conversation for another day.

The Movie

Last night I attended a showing of Romancing the Stone at OMSI (the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry - one of the best things about living in Portland). The film was shown as part of the Reel Science series, which shows older films and provides a 30 minute science lecture linked to the film beforehand and a Q&A session after. OMSI has shown some of my favorite movies in this series including: Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (lecture on how Indy was just about the worst archaeologist ever), The Princess Bride (with a fencing demonstration by the Mexican National Fencing Team), Jaws (on sharks, what else?), Jurassic Park (dinos), Labyrinth (puppeteering), and more! Well, this month's film was Romancing the Stone, an 80s classic with Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny Devito. It has been a family favorite for years along with the sequel Jewel of the Nile. If you haven't seen them, I highly recommend them both. The science lecture for this film focused on geology and gems by a representative from the Oregon Department of Geology and Mineral Industries. I invited my entire family to the event with me, but, alas, they all decided travelling hundreds of miles to see a movie on the big screen that came out more than 30 years ago was not worth it. I'm not going to lie, that hurt. And so to that, I saw the following....

Last night I went out to see,
A movie very familiar to me,
A remnant from my childhood,
A family favorite that's oh, so good.
Adventure, daring, and great escapades,
A dash of romance and villains to evade.
I laughed until my sides both ached,
And tears of hilarity streamed down my face.
But the best part were the memories,
That watching it brought back to me.
Those feelings of home, family and friends,
Surrounded me now as they did back then.
Though my family is all far, far away,
And I likely won't see them for many a day,
I felt their presence clear as can be,
As I watched that old favorite movie.
And now the only thing left to do,
Is tell them I saw it and let them all stew,
In their jealousy of little old me,
As I laugh in the corner: tee hee hee hee.


Isn't family a glorious thing?

Film Adaptations

I love to read. I don't think that's a big secret. I will read anything and everything, I own (conservatively) thousands of books, and the books that I love I am willing to read over and over again. With that being said, it might take some of you by surprise to learn that I love movie adaptations of books, even when they diverge from the source material. I know many of you would assume I'm a stickler for faithful adaptations, but I really don't mind when filmmakers take some artistic liberties. The reason I bring all this up is that last week I went to a Thursday night showing of Avengers: Age of Ultron with two friends. I've always enjoyed the Marvel movies, finding them harmless and entertaining fun. And I'm a big fan of Joss Whedon (if you haven't seen the glory that is Firefly, then you are seriously missing out), so I was excited going into the film. The three of us laughed at the quips, gasped when shocked and ooohed at some of the amazing spectacle (mainly James Spader's parts 'cause that man's voice is amazing, even if he just read the phone book it would sound impressive). When we exited the theater I immediately turned to my pals and said "that was awesome, I really liked it." I was met with two blank looks and "I didn't like it at all, they totally screwed up the story!" Wait. What? We just watched a two and a half hour movie and throughout the entire thing the two of them were reacting exactly as they should (with seeming enjoyment and captivation) and now they come out and say they don't like it?? I was completely flummoxed. And then I made a huge mistake (insert picture of Gob Bluth here). I asked them why. The next 20 or so minutes of my life (wasted and never to be returned) was spent listening to them talk about the myriad ways the film differed from the comic books. I don't want to include any spoilers here, so I won't go into them in detail. Suffice it to say, the list was long and tediously specific.

Now, my real problem with this entire event wasn't so much our disagreement about liking or not liking the movie because I fully appreciate that people can have different tastes in films (although, let's be serious here, I will judge you if you don't like what I like and it will most likely impact our friendship in profound ways), but rather that they had clearly enjoyed the film while watching it and their belief that it was "bad" stemmed entirely from the fact that it wasn't a live action carbon copy depiction of the source material. But really, how can it and why should it be? The simple truth of the matter is that no matter what the filmmakers do, a film adaptation of a book will never be 100% what you pictured when you read it. And there are a couple of big reasons: 1) unless you want to read a book that describes everything in excruciatingly precise detail (I'm looking at you George R.R. Martin, Robert Jordan, James Joyce, J R.R. Tolkein in Return of the King, etc.) a lot of what you visualize when you read is actually detail your brain fills in for you, not something you explicitly read and, therefore, unless you're making the film yourself, it's not going to come out a 100% match to what you imagined; 2) a truly faithful adaptation of even a 100 page novella (assuming it's not entirely cerebrally set) would probably translate to multiple hours of film, so a full length novel would be waaaaaaay too long a movie; 3) no matter what you do, the way an actor says or emphasizes certain words, the way he/she moves, the setting, the clothes, everything that makes a movie a movie is an interpretation of the book and it's probably not going to be what you pictured in your head while reading. And that's the entire point of both books and film! They are never going to mean the same thing to different people. That's why you have English literature majors in college (and I can say this with authority as I majored in English lit). English majors spend their entire academic career arguing over the meaning of a book - basically arguing over different interpretations of the same material. And guess what...they are all correct (some - me - more than others, of course). 

But what does this all have to do with my original point, you ask? Well, when you watch a film adaption of a book it is ridiculous to say that you don't like it simply based on the fact that it diverges from the source material or what you imagined. That is a ridiculous argument and I won't respond to it (insert picture of Lucille Bluth here). The point that I've been trying to drive home (hopefully successfully) is that a film adaption by necessity must diverge from the source material. It's not possible to do anything else. Every visual adaptation is an interpretation and it's highly unlikely that it will ever be 100% on point with what you expected/visualized. And really, why should you limit yourself? Why should you be so closed off from other ideas about the material? Why is your vision of the material more valid than any other? One of my favorite books of all time is Pride and Prejudice (original, I know) and I have loved many adaptations of the film. I love the BBC version with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle and I love the version with Keira Knightley. These are two wildly divergent interpretations and I love them both equally because they draw out and emphasize different messages within the book. They make me think about a book that I've read dozens of times in new and intriguing ways, making the material fresh and exciting. I think that in order to appreciate film adaptations of books  you need to be open to varying interpretations. This is a good life skill for both watching movies and reading books and to help you achieve this skill here's a helpful way to do so: divorce the source material from the film adaptation in your mind. Don't think of the film as the book in live action, that way lies madness. Rather, think of the film as a completely different entity that has nothing whatsoever to your beloved book. If they have nothing to do with each other, then it's a-okay if they are very different.

And now let's bring this whole thing home - my movie night with my (lame?) friends. Their arguments particularly irked me due to the nature of comic books. To be fair, I'm not a devoted reader of comics, but I've certainly read my share. And I've read enough to know that they are constantly changing the storyline - alternate universes, reboots, new timelines, characters suddenly switching genders, etc. All of these appear regularly in comic books to the extent that it's nearly impossible to point to a single cohesive storyline for any one character. So really, when you're complaining about a film not following the source material, how on earth can you complain about a comic book movie? There are so many storylines to choose from! And yes, maybe the film diverges from all the written storylines, but how is that any different than a new writer taking over a beloved character and telling a new story from the beginning as a reboot? Or are you telling me that you will only ever be satisfied with the very first story that was ever written and all others are cheap bastardizations that shall not be borne? Aaaaargh. It drives me insane. Clearly.

What I'm really trying to say is that I enjoyed the movie and it doesn't matter that it diverged from the source material because, no matter what, it was bound to do so. And I want to encourage you all to try a little harder to be open to the varying interpretations of some of your favorite books being made into film (I'm thinking ahead to "The Martian" by Andy Weir and "Ready Player One" by Ernest Cline, coming soon). And if you can't do that and you still hate a movie simply because it's a little different than you expected, then keep it to yourself. 'Cause I just don't want to hear it.

Spring Happiness

There's just something about Spring. I think it might be my favorite time of the year. I'm not sure I ever really thought of spring as the superior season when I lived in California. In NorCal there are clearly defined seasons - Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring. Each lasts the requisite three months or so, just enough time for you to enjoy that season, but not so long that you get sick of it. Living in Portland, however, is an entirely different beast. Here, you have a super short Summer, an abbreviated Fall, a loooooooong Winter (incessant grey skies and rain), and a brief Spring (it can be as short as three weeks). And since I've moved here I've found myself more and more enamored with Spring. I'm sure the reason is obvious to you all: it comes after an interminable winter in which I have to dress everyday in preparation for the inevitable rain shower. Now, don't get me wrong. I like the rain and I like winter weather. But after 5+ months of it, I'm ready to move on to blue skies and something a little warmer. And so, around mid-May each year I am begging whatever higher power may exist in this world to give me Spring. This year I've been very fortunate as that wonderful season has come early to Portland. We've been enjoying some beautiful (and schizophrenic - we went from 80 degrees one day to 55 degrees the next) weather lately. This has led to some very happy moods for your's truly and some inspired poetry...

The sun is shining, oh, what a day,
Clear blue skies seem here to stay.
My heart feels light, I can't help but smile,
I feel so much better than I have in a while.
There's just nothing better than life in spring,
When every thing's new and the world glows green.
Waking up in the morning seems easy to do,
I jump out of bed and just take a few
Moments to get ready, then I'm quickly out the door,
Why stay inside when you can be out to explore
The world all around us, with the sun shining bright,
It all comes together and my entire being feels right.
On a day like today, it all seems so clear,
There's just nothing better than this time of year.

The Art of Procrastination

Some days when writing my weekly clerk lunch reminder emails I move away from my typical poem accompaniment and instead fall into some random thoughts. And sometimes those thoughts can get a bit...salty. Take a look:

Dear Fellow Clerks,

This is your timely reminder that today, Thursday, April 9, 2015, we will be holding the weekly clerk lunch. If you are surprised by this fact, please see your doctor immediately. This should NOT come as a surprise. After all, we've been holding these weekly clerk lunches for well over a year. Why can't you get with the program already?? I can't tell you the number of times I have been told "oh, clerk lunch was today? I totally forgot!" How could you forget? How? If you come or if you receive these emails then you must have noticed a pattern by now. You get an email every week on Thursday and every week on Thursday we all meet for lunch at the Standard. It's a pretty simple pattern to see. Maybe these people are trying to spare my feelings and claim forgetfulness when the truth is that they just didn't want to come. If that is the case, then this is my response: "you are not hurting my feelings. I will give you a hard time about not coming, but there are days when I don't attend. That's alright. It is 100% ok to skip clerk lunch when you feel like it. Hence our slogan (which I am just now making up) 'come if you want or don't, we just don't give a rip.'" Hmmm, was that too combative? Did that seem mean? Oh well. We'll just all have to deal today.

And now, on to more pleasant (?) topics...

Today is all about the art of procrastination. I have several tasks I need to get done today, not the least of which is research on a civil motion for my judge, but I just can't bring myself to do any of it. Today is a day of non-productivity. I feel uninspired to work. It's gotten so bad that I even went out to Starbucks at 10:15 for a mid-morning break. What?? I don't take breaks! The world must be ending. Has anyone looked out a window lately to see if the sky is falling? Maybe we should get on that.

In any event, I keep thinking about all the work I should be doing and then immediately start on something else. I haven't been completely useless here at work. My procrastination has been somewhat productive (so I guess calling it non-productive is a misnomer and the word police will soon come to take me away). I've managed to put away files, go through all my extra forms and re-label them, reorganize several filing cabinets for my new JA Grace and look at everything on the internet that I want to/can look at while at work. So, now I'm bored and I don't have much left at my disposal to procrastinate with (which could in fact be an explanation of this diatribe - a long-winded speech on procrastination that is itself a tool of my procrastination). But the art of procrastination is a serious thing and something a lot of people (I'm talking to any generation older than our own) do not understand. In some ways I think we need procrastination. Because the truth of the matter is, I just can't bring myself to work on certain items until the last minute. If I try to force myself to start researching motions before I feel I'm down to the wire then my mind invariably wanders, I get bored, I get sleepy, bad things generally happen. Without time constraints and that feeling of "oh sh**, I've got to get this done or die!" I just can't seem to motivate myself. Whenever I express this feeling to my mother or other...let's call them "grown ups," I am met with the advice that "I should just do it right away and be done with it. Wouldn't I feel better without it hanging over my head?" Well, yeah. Of course. I'm not an idiot. But that doesn't mean that I can actually do that. It doesn't mean that I can somehow dig up the proper work ethic, motivation, or drive to work on something I really don't want to do before I absolutely have to do it.

Is this just a symptom of our generation? And if yes, then what is the cause? And let's not go with something simple and stupid like (said in a mock grown up voice) "well, our generation has been inundated with immediate gratification for our entire lives and have never had to work hard for anything and therefore does not appreciate just how good we have it or the concept of putting in hard work." That's a cop out and it's insulting. And it assumes that all generations before ours have had to work hard and no one else in the history of humanity has ever had it easy. That is just ridiculous. Each generation has had it's individual hardships that differ from the generation before. Just because they are not the same hardships doesn't mean they don't exist and/or are invalid. But, perhaps this isn't a symptom of our generation. Perhaps it's just a symptom of humanity. Or maybe this is all much simpler. Maybe this is just a symptom of me. Am I the only person around here who feels this way? Am I the only person procrastinating?? Whoa. I've reached a new level of crazy now. But this is a serious issue. Is procrastination even something we need to fix? I suppose it is if you procrastinate to the point of actually failing to complete tasks, but what if you actually get everything done? Is it ok to procrastinate if all it does is inspire you to work harder at the last minute? Unfortunately, I have no answer. But I do have a philosophical question that needs pondering, which will probably take up the rest of my afternoon...and that's one more point on the side of procrastination.