A Laugh about the Law

For the past several days I have been studying for the MPRE – the ethics exam every lawyer must pass before being admitted to the Bar (assuming they pass the Bar exam as well, of course). As part of my Barbri Review Course, I am entitled to free video lectures on various Bar and MPRE topics. So, I have spent the majority of my day watching the MPRE lecture. As I’m sure many of you would in my place, I began watching with a great deal of skepticism and anticipation of boredom, however, I soon found myself riveted as the lecturer proved highly entertaining. Here are some highlights from the video:

"What's the worst thing we can do to you? Put you to death."

"The dean has to sign off on all of you. So best thing you can hope for: get through law school without the dean knowing who you are."

"Dear Bar. This lawyer is a dirtbag. Signed, the Lone Ranger of Ethical Justice!"

"It's always the right answer. Rat on your friends, squeal like a pig, turn your friends in."

"If you have someone as your client and then start to sleep with them, you're required to pull out. Wait. That doesn't sound good. Withdraw...no. There's really nothing that will work there."

"Potential Situation: Client - 'Who's that mad dog on the other side?' Lawyer - 'That's my mom, isn't she great?!'"

"Let's say the other party is unrepresented. Or to put it in plain language: they're crazy. 'Cause that's who these people are. They're crazy people."...[Gives a hypo]..."The point is, they're crazy."

"Soon to be an HBO movie. No one plays me. But Helen Mirren plays my friend."

"Prosecutor to a juror on a former case: 'Hi Mrs. Jones. I was the prosecutor in that case you were a juror on where you let that murderer go. I just wanted to say…I hope you're next.' Yeah. You can't do that."

"You got something by mistake? Notify the sender. That’s it. What else can you do? Promise to unread it?"

"In Michigan you need a separate account if the money earns $50 of interest a year. Which would be $47 million. [Long Pause] That was a joke. 'Cause interest rates are so low. But it's probably not far off. Ok. Moving on."

"It's not just money a client can give you for safekeeping, it could be things. A client walks into your office and throws a diamond on your desk and says, 'I'll be back to talk about that later.'"

[Discussing Availability Retainers] "Client comes in and says, 'I think I'm going to be indicted soon and I want you to be available.' You say, 'Ok, Mayor.'"

[Tells a story of a lawyer with a client who changes his will weekly. The final will left all the money to the lawyer - against the rules to draft such a will - but lawyer wasn't worried about it since the client would change it again in a week. Client dies.] "The lawyer came before us crying. Had never done anything wrong, didn't even want the stuff! And did we have a heart? No. We took his license so fast. No. I kid. But he did get in trouble."

"You must be fluent. If all you know of Spanish is ‘hola, amigo,’ no. You gotta be fluent."

"Reminder. Our standard: if an idiot could understand it, it's good enough for us."

"Cannot imply results by improper means. 'I was a clerk for Justice Ginsberg. She owes me one.' 'My mommy sits on the state supreme court.' 'We are a medical malpractice firm; all our lawyers are juris doctors.' That's true, but an idiot might think you're really a doctor. You're misleading an idiot. Don't do that."

"Can you live chat and say: 'Hi. CIRY.' That's: Can I Represent You? See. I know the tech. I'm cool. I use the google."

"'Dear Sally. You complete me.' Not on judicial letterhead. 'Dear Bob. I wish I knew how to quit you.' Not on judicial letterhead. 'Dear Warden. You're getting my son.' Not on judicial letterhead. You might say justices aren't that stupid. I had a case. They can write a letter of recommendation. Which is great ‘cause who’d want to clerk for a judge without that."

"Judges are judges, not Columbo. They can't investigate. Does that reference still work?"

"The judge can't say: 'I just eat lunch. I didn't even notice I was surrounded by a bunch of white guys.'"

"You can't say: 'Thank you, judge, for your services. Here's $50,000 worth of gold just for you.' whenever you appear before him."

Rain & Oregonians

I’ve already told you a little about the relationship between Oregonians and the rain – namely that it makes their already questionable driving even more ridiculous – but the relationship between these two entities is even stranger than that and I can assure you, the strangeness is all on the part of the Oregonians.

1. “Oh, look. It’s raining outside. I’ll put on some flip flops.” I’m sure this quirk of Oregonian behavior has something to do with the fact that Oregonians have so little time in the year in which to wear flip flops, but this logic still doesn’t quite account for wearing flip flops in the rain in my book. No matter what the weather, you can spot at least a few Oregonians walking down the street in flip flops. Sure it might be pouring rain and only 34 degrees, but evidently, that’s no reason to wear warm shoes. I habitually see these people out and about and my feet get cold and sad just seeing theirs. Want to fit in in Oregon? Buy a pair of flip flops and wear them all year long.

2. Welcome to Oregon*. I don’t know about you, but I love umbrellas. Whoever invented the umbrella deserves a medal. They help you stay dry, can be a lovely and attractive accoutrement to any outfit, and they serve as a vehicle for Mary Poppins. Really, everyone should use an umbrella. Oregonians, however, have not yet gotten that memo. In fact, they refuse to use umbrellas at all and take an inordinate amount of pride in that fact. Personally, I don’t understand what is so wonderful about getting soaking wet by walking around in the rain without an umbrella and, often for Oregonians, without a hood, but to be a true Oregonian, when walking in the rain, hold your head up high and prepare to get wet ‘cause umbrellas aren’t welcome here. For myself, I think I’ll retain my California ways and stay dry with my umbrella.

*Umbrellas not allowed.

Morning Class

I’m up way too early,

Awake now at dawn.

The sun’s just come up,

I stifle a yawn.

Make up my bed,

Crawl to the shower,

Then grab my school bag,

Give the morning a glower.

I drive to the school,

“Ready” to go.

Ethics this morning,

I don’t care to know.

Suffer through it I will,

What else can I do?

Prof. calls out my name,

I glance up: “Say who??”

Now it’s all up to me,

What shall I say?

Fumble through it and then

I’m done for the day!*

*Oh wait. I have class later too.