Chloe-isms

Now that my demanding cat has had a taste of fame she has an unquenchable thirst for more. And what can I do but give in? (For the why, see previous post.) And so, here is some more advice Chloe offers to other cats and humans. This will give you a sense of my private hell... (private hell!)

Food dishes should always be filled to at least the three quarters mark. Any lower and it’s too hard to knock a kibble out to chase around the house.

Humans are so gullible. Want to bite them? Jump into their lap and roll over to expose your belly. They can’t resist the kitty belly. When they go in to give you a scratch…

BITE!

Vacuuming up my fur just makes me think you want more. Fine, if you like my fur that much, I’ll shed faster. You’re welcome.

I do know my name. I just don’t like you well enough to respond when you use it.

Occasionally puke for no reason. This will keep the human on her toes and concerned about your health. A concerned human is an easily duped human.

When other humans are around, cower whenever your human comes near. This will make the visiting humans believe that your human beats you. It’s hilarious. 

The most comfortable place to sleep with your human is on their face. Don’t settle for second best. Start off the night at the bottom of the bed to lull them into a false sense of security. When their breathing changes denoting REM sleep patterns, move and curl up in a ball on their face.

An open book in the human’s lap is the best place to sit.

Always sit or lay as close to the human’s face as possible. Then, when they sneeze, give them a dirty look. 

Humans should always remain seated in a location where their lap is easily accessible. To ensure they perform this necessary function to cat happiness, try the following: 1) follow them around everywhere, 2) when they are stopped and standing, stand at/on their feet and stare up at them while telepathically commanding them to sit down; 3) cry incessantly and scratch at their pant legs when they are seated in a location where the lap is inaccessible, such as at a desk, until they move to a location more beneficial to you.

Humans = food dish fillers & laps. They serve no other purpose in this world.

All bugs must be killed. However, the most terrible beast that walks this earth is the spider. Spiders deserve worse than death. They deserve torture. The best practice is to torture any spider found in your territory and then leave the horribly mangled body in a highly visible location as a warning to all other spiders. Ignore the human when it tells you to stop this brutal practice. It is necessary. Give the human the cold shoulder whenever the human interrupts this practice and “puts the spider out of its misery” before you have completed your task.

Glasses and sunglasses are chew toys.