Chloe-isms

Now that my demanding cat has had a taste of fame she has an unquenchable thirst for more. And what can I do but give in? (For the why, see previous post.) And so, here is some more advice Chloe offers to other cats and humans. This will give you a sense of my private hell... (private hell!)

Food dishes should always be filled to at least the three quarters mark. Any lower and it’s too hard to knock a kibble out to chase around the house.

Humans are so gullible. Want to bite them? Jump into their lap and roll over to expose your belly. They can’t resist the kitty belly. When they go in to give you a scratch…

BITE!

Vacuuming up my fur just makes me think you want more. Fine, if you like my fur that much, I’ll shed faster. You’re welcome.

I do know my name. I just don’t like you well enough to respond when you use it.

Occasionally puke for no reason. This will keep the human on her toes and concerned about your health. A concerned human is an easily duped human.

When other humans are around, cower whenever your human comes near. This will make the visiting humans believe that your human beats you. It’s hilarious. 

The most comfortable place to sleep with your human is on their face. Don’t settle for second best. Start off the night at the bottom of the bed to lull them into a false sense of security. When their breathing changes denoting REM sleep patterns, move and curl up in a ball on their face.

An open book in the human’s lap is the best place to sit.

Always sit or lay as close to the human’s face as possible. Then, when they sneeze, give them a dirty look. 

Humans should always remain seated in a location where their lap is easily accessible. To ensure they perform this necessary function to cat happiness, try the following: 1) follow them around everywhere, 2) when they are stopped and standing, stand at/on their feet and stare up at them while telepathically commanding them to sit down; 3) cry incessantly and scratch at their pant legs when they are seated in a location where the lap is inaccessible, such as at a desk, until they move to a location more beneficial to you.

Humans = food dish fillers & laps. They serve no other purpose in this world.

All bugs must be killed. However, the most terrible beast that walks this earth is the spider. Spiders deserve worse than death. They deserve torture. The best practice is to torture any spider found in your territory and then leave the horribly mangled body in a highly visible location as a warning to all other spiders. Ignore the human when it tells you to stop this brutal practice. It is necessary. Give the human the cold shoulder whenever the human interrupts this practice and “puts the spider out of its misery” before you have completed your task.

Glasses and sunglasses are chew toys.

Wisdom & Advice from a Bearcat

This may sound odd to a non-cat owner, but my life, in no small way, revolves around my cat. I'm not entirely sure why or how 6 pounds of fluff rules my house, but she absolutely does. For instance, tonight I was out at a friend's birthday celebration after work and at around 7:20 pm I decided it was about time to leave. This was in part because I was tired after a long day at work, but also because I knew Chloe was at home waiting for me and would undoubtedly make my life hell if I didn't get home in time to spend at least a couple hours awake with her. I caved to the fluff. But I think most cat owners out there will understand my predicament. Dog owners may conform their lives to their dog's schedule because they don't want their pup to pee or poo inside the house, but cat owners don't have that excuse. Instead, we conform to the demands of our cats out of both love and fear. The love is our desire to have our cats continue to love us - and let's not kid ourselves here, if we put one foot out of line it's going to be at least a few days of hell for us as we work to win back our cat's affections. And the fear is at the prospect of losing that love and having our cat treat us the way he or she treats the cable man (or my sister, in Chloe's case). That is something no cat owner wants. And cats are sneaky, they will find subtle, yet profound ways to pay you back for any perceived slight (my mother's cat Julie - Chloe's mother - goes on a hunger strike every time my Mom leaves on a trip). Cat owners know that it's easiest to simply keep the peace and do everything possible to make the cat happy because then we're sure to be closer to happiness ourselves.

Now, in order to ensure that this peace continues, it is important for the wise cat owner to get inside the head of his or her cat. Try to understand why the cat does what it does. Unfortunately, sometimes our feline friends are just completely inscrutable. There must be some disconnect on certain subjects between humans and felines, a bridge that simply cannot be crossed. In the hopes of helping you, my (potentially imaginary - is anyone reading this blog?) friends understand your own furry companions a little better, I have decided to start providing you with my insights into Chloe's psyche. Perhaps it can inspire you to better understand your cat or you will see something here that rings true in your own household. Look for posts in the future on "The Wisdom and Advice of Chloe the Bearcat."* For now, here is what Chloe says on the subject of biting...

“Ooooo! What is this new, shiny object? I’ll bite it to find out.” 

Advice: If it’s new, bite it.

“Ooooo! Is this my human’s hand coming to pet me? I’ll bite it to be sure.” 

Advice: If it’s there, bite it.

“I love belly rubs and head scratches! Biting your hand will get that message across.” 

Advice: If you like it, bite it.

*Please Note: The "Advice" Chloe offers here is to other cats. Unfortunately, when she found out I was writing this blog about her, she insisted that I include her advice for other cats on how to behave with "a cat's human." It feels demeaning and I'm not sure I want to send this information out into the world so that other people's cats start behaving like Chloe, but I'm once again caving to the fluff. See the second half of paragraph 1 as to why. And good luck to us all. 

Saying Good-bye (or Out with the Old and In with the New!)

Today was my last Thursday as a clerk at the Multnomah County Circuit Court. It's hard to believe. In fact, it's almost impossible to believe. Like so many of my peers, I graduated law school without a job. In fact, I was unemployed for about 9 months after graduation. And it was horrible. I've never been a super motivated person and I've always liked my downtime, so I assumed unemployment would be just a little too comfortable for me. But as it turns out, when you have nothing but downtime, it's really not such fun. All the things that you love to do when you've earned them at the end of a long day of work (pleasure reading, watching TV, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, even quilting) are just not as much fun when that is all you do every day. I hated unemployment and actually worked pretty hard to try to rectify that situation. In January 2013, having decided I needed more practical experience on my resume, I began volunteering at the Courthouse in downtown Portland. Well, two months later I was hired as a clerk and that's where I've been working ever since.

Now, the clerk job was a pretty good gig and I had some very good times. I made some amazing friends, gained some incredible experience, and began writing weekly Thursday Clerk Lunch reminder emails that have led to a lot of the posts you've read here. But having been doing this job for about 2.5 years now, I've gotten a bit bored. I've known for a while that it was time to move on and have been looking for a new job since last fall. I took a brief hiatus from the job search in the early months of this year when my big sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, but picked the search back up again this summer after she officially kicked cancer's a**. To my astonishment and great joy, I received a job offer a few weeks ago from Nike. The world headquarters of Nike is in Beaverton, OR, right next to Portland, and that is where I will be working from now on. I am so excited and beyond ready for this next step. It's time to move on. But that does mean leaving some incredible friends behind.

Today marked my very last Thursday Clerk Lunch with all my friends at the Courthouse. Below is the poem I wrote for them and that was sent out in my last reminder email as a final good-bye.

How do you expect me to say good-bye to friends held so very dear,
To people I've come to greatly respect, this amazing sea of peers?
For the time has come for me to leave, to go on a separate way,
A new path to travel, a new road to walk, for all the coming days.
Perhaps the Bard said it best, "parting is such sweet sorrow,"
But Romeo and Juliet were fools who didn't live to see tomorrow.
Let's look instead to Winnie the Pooh, that silly tub of lard,
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
Thank you all for the time we've spent together here at work,
You've made the time pass so fast these two years I've been a clerk.

Now, wish me luck as I head off to this new adventure! I can't wait to see what it brings.